Little Women, Big Voices

Sorry to bother you, it’s not important or urgent, it’s probably been said before, but I just wanted to share a little bit around language and women’s voices because it’s International Women’s Day.

Actually, I’m not sorry. You clicked on this blog, it is important and urgent. Maybe it’s been said before, but it hasn’t been said loudly enough or it hasn’t sunk in for most of us, and yes because it’s International Women’s Day and also because it needs to be said: Ladies, it’s time to SPEAK UP!

I was recently at a financial literacy group for women and the topic was salary and wage negotiations. Let me just say that after listening to this group of women speak, it’s not exactly surprising that the wage gap is what it is. Going around the room, very few were able to speak about what they do, or their accomplishments with their head high, or use positive language about themselves or their work in order to provide reasons for making more money. I find this self deprecation disappointing and frankly, worrisome. If we ever want to achieve equality, we have to start seeing ourselves as equal. The question is: why is it so hard for women to self promote or speak with conviction and what can we do to shift that? The short answer as to why is that doozie of a system called the patriarchy, and although it’s a big system that will take a lot of time and effort to dismantle entirely, there are some small ways that we can help raise ourselves (and each other) up and eventually, be seen as equal. These all start with the language we use and the emotions and meanings they evoke.

If you’re familiar with NLP or Neuro Lingusitc Programming, you may be aware that the specific language we use can be integral to getting what we want and how we are interpreted. We may not even realise how changing the smallest things can make the biggest difference, for example, using the word “and” where you might use the word “but” can completely disarm someone. Similarly, using certain words, tones, and behaviours can diminish the point you are trying to make and therefore diminish you. Here are 5 ways in which we may unknowingly self deprecate or minimise ourselves and what to do instead:

1. “Small Talk”

Women have generally been taught that being small, is a good thing, and we have applied this into not only our physical stature, but also our language. Women often use words to describe things they want to speak about using synonyms for ‘small.’ For example: “I have a little story for you” “One small thing to add” “It’s kinda important” etc. When you do this, the receiver of what you’re saying interprets what you are saying as unimportant, meager, and well, small. Instead of using these words, consider similar ones that are in the same wheelhouse but less minimising. Swapping out words like “small, little, kinda etc” with “quick, short, rather ” places the emphasis on it being efficient rather than insignificant. Another option is to simply leave out the ‘little’ words. Ex.”I have a story for you” “One thing to add” this again, creates emphasis on the noun rather than the adjective and leaves out any room to interpret what you have to say as less than.

2. “Sorry”

I’m pretty sure there’s a commercial for something obscure like anti-persperant floating around the web that touches on this. Oftentimes women find themselves in group situations that involve speaking up and being heard. If you have ever witnessed a group of men and women sharing ideas, you will likely hear the men simply speaking up (interrupting) and sharing an idea at will. Women on the other hand have a tendency to interject with an apology, even when interrupting is encouraged. Sometimes there’s nothing to interrupt. I have been known in the past to apologise for things even if they’re fun! My friend called me out recently for inviting her to my birthday party with an apology first (oops!). This one is tricky but the only solution really is to just stop apologising. Your ideas, requests and needs are important and worth speaking up about so speak up. There’s a difference as well between being rude and being confident. Other phrases to use when interrupting include: “I have something to add”, or asking “Are you finished? or Did you have anything else to say?” and then proceeding with your thought. This gives the speaker the feeling that you’re respecting their input. Also acknowledging what they’ve said and then interjecting your own words is helpful. At the end of the day, however this is unnecessary and I encourage you to speak up when you have something to say, it’s equally as important as anyone else’s input.

3. “Just Excuses”

Another way that women tend to self deprecate is through the word “just”. I am often guilty of this one. It’s usually in emails but often in conversations as well. This stems from a similar place as the “small” language. “Gosh darn, shucks I’m just lil ol’ me” *barf* Women have learned that in order to be able to do something, we must first justify or explain ourselves in order to be seen as valid. There are a number of places this could have stemmed from, however it really doesn’t matter where at this point because the truth is we don’t have to explain or justify our actions to anyone (unless they’re super shady or illegal). So again, the best way to change your behaviour with this one is to simply drop the word “just” from your vocabulary. “I’m just checking in to see how things are going” becomes “I’m checking in to see how things are going…”

4. “Compliment Shields”

One of the most common forms of self deprecation is to do with compliments. This can be either with deflection or flat out preemptively insulting yourself. This often shows up in idea sharing spaces and might sound something like “This is stupid, but..” or a deflection of a compliment. So if someone compliments you, your first response is to awkwardly brush it off, or share reasons why it’s not true. A lot of women don’t know how to take a compliment because we have been told to be humble. If we allow the compliment in, or share our idea without first quelling it then we may be seen as prideful, insecure or vain. This often ends up making us seem unintelligent, and insecure. I think this is one of the most difficult forms of self deprecation to overcome as it requires some deeper shifts; however, an awareness of your behaviour is a quick step in the right direction. One way to handle compliments or to avoid preemptive attacks on yourself is to have someone point out to you when you are doing it. Anytime you say “this is stupid” for example have that person stop you and remind you it isn’t, and then ask you to continue. It may throw you at first, but one way to shift thought patterns or beliefs in NLP is to do just that. So practice taking compliments or even suggesting your ideas are “good” to begin with. If you can catch yourself in the “this is stupid,” turn it into “this is stupidly awesome!”

5. “Up-speak and Fillers”

Lastly, something that women do a LOT is use fillers (like, actually, so, literally etc) and up-speak or rising intonation. It’s especially common in younger women. On one hand it can make you seem approachable, and on the other hand it can make you look less confident or even unintelligent. Up-speak is when a woman will speak a sentence in a way that makes it sound like a question even when it’s not. The unconscious goal with this is often to create connection or involvement in the conversation. Essentially, because women aren’t often ‘heard’ we tend to use language and tone to create engagement. Men don’t often do this as they are already seen as leaders or worthy of connection and engagement. For women, there is a fine line between how we speak as leaders and how we speak as women (despite those things not being mutually exclusive). All of the previous examples tie into this concept and this one is likely the most challenging to work with. This is deep seeded and systemic, and as such may take a lot more time to break (I’ll spare you my feminist rant about diminishing ourselves for the fragile male ego 😉 this time). The key again to this example is awareness. So how do you break this? Have someone keep track of how often you use fillers or up-speak in a conversation. If you know there’s a filler word you use frequently, try to go as long as you can without using it. It feels awkward at first, but eventually, you’ll come up with more creative or succinct ways of speaking that not only get your point across, but may even make you seem more confident.

As I write this I am thinking of many more examples of the way we as women unknowingly diminish ourselves and I want to remind you that you are important and so are your ideas, thoughts and words. Your voice matters. So today and every day: