This is a piece on vulnerability. Specifically with men. I do a lot of work with (binary, heterosexual) relationships and the differences between men and women and why it’s SO hard for us to understand each other especially when it comes to dating and relating. I love working with and learning about masculine and feminine energy, and how that plays into relationships. Today I was speaking to a client who is going through a challenging situation with her partner. She said that her partner could go days or sometimes longer when he was busy with work without contacting her or anything and it was driving her nuts! She was considering calling it quits with this man because he just wasn’t meeting her need for connection. When they spoke about it he said that he was super stressed out with work and life and just couldn’t be available to her and needed some time and space. She agreed to this and then came to me to talk it out.
As we spoke she said something interesting to me and (with her consent) I wanted to share it. She said that she expects that her partner is going to take a while to reach out and sort through everything, as he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to. She believes that because he’s not as in touch with his feelings it will be a slow process. She said she’s lucky because she’s spent the last little while talking to friends, processing, crying and digging deep and sorting through this trying time.
I started thinking of the men in my life and how they cope with things and I realised that in my experience her description isn’t far off! I became a little sad. As a feminine woman I realise how lucky I am to be able to openly express my emotions and as a result move through the more difficult times in my life. A lot of men don’t really have this opportunity. Our society says it’s not ok for men to cry; to be vulnerable. I want to say that that is bullshit!
From the time we are born we are placed in boxes. You’re either in the boy box or the girl box. As time goes on the heteronormative gender roles are slowly becoming more fluid but for most adult men, the ‘manly man’ image is something to uphold. As women struggle to gain equality and fall into more masculine energy the ‘manly man’ image becomes something more and more difficult to obtain. I would say that as a strong independent woman who at her core is very feminine, I crave a masculine energy to polarize that and yet, I often wonder whether this comes at a cost.
Growing up, my father played a strong masculine role in my life. If I think about the course of my life I had never witnessed him cry. He told me that he cried when I was born, and I’m sure he shed a tear on occasion but I was never witness to it. When someone in the family passed, my father would be the guy on the phone delivering the news in a gentle yet matter of fact tone. He was the guy to go to if you needed someone to tell you it’ll all be okay. As a daughter I can’t imagine not having that type of energy in my life. He was my knight in shining armour; on the outside. Inside my father struggled with depression for most of my teen years and now I know that his strength and stoicism wound up making him ill.
A couple years ago I witnessed my father really cry for the first time and it was one of the most beautiful and unnerving experiences of my life. My sister lost her partner and our whole family was struck hard by the news. As a counsellor we are prepared for dealing with grief and loss and trauma but when it’s family, everything changes. I found myself putting aside my own grief in order to support my sister. It was difficult but during that time I used my support network to get through; this included our dad.
I knew that he was having a hard time as we all were but it wasn’t until the funeral when I looked over and saw the tears streaming down his face and we made eye contact. He had an almost apologetic look on his face and yet I could feel his relief when I grabbed his hand. It was in that moment that I saw raw vulnerability, and at first I was scared. This was my go to person to be the rock in my life and to remind me it was okay and here he was in tears. I’m not going to lie, I had a mini freak out for a second! But that day I was reminded of something very valuable. He was still my rock; still the same man who reminded me it was okay. His tears allowed me to tap into my own strength and be the support that he needed in that moment and his presence still held that security that I always knew. He’s still my rock, but he’s also so much more because he’s real.
So here’s what I have to say about this:
MEN! Do not be afraid to hide your emotions as they are what make you real. Vulnerability is not weakness. Your masculine energy is all we (women) need to feel safe, secure and protected and all that requires from you is to show up.
If that seems like a lot to do and you still can’t bring yourself to have emotions in front of your partner, find a way to get it out. Talk to a friend, go to a counsellor, or write it out. We are all human and emotions are human. Shutting them off is what makes us sick and that in my opinion is far weaker than vulnerability ever could be! Remember: “It Aint Weak To Speak”
Disclaimer: This is a generalisation of gender roles. I know that some men are very in touch with their emotions and that some women are not. The point I am trying to make is that it’s always okay to cry, or have emotions. If you have a person in your life you love and trust. Be human with them. It’s the greatest gift you can give and can bring SO much more love, connection and trust into your life! If you don’t have anyone to speak to, counselling is a great way to share what’s going on for you with no judgement. There are resources, including myself available to you. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out!
